Actual animal hybrids

• Liger: the hybrid offspring of a male lion with a female tiger.
• Tiglon: the hybrid offspring of a male tiger and a female lion.
• Mule: the hybrid offspring of a female horse and a male donkey.
• Hinny: the hybrid offspring of a male horse and a femal donkey.
• Siabon: the hybrid offspring of a male silver gibbon and a female siamang (which is a type of mokney)

Unfortunately named towns in Washington state

• Tillicum
• Concrete
• Twisp
• Nooksak
• Purdy
• Beaver
• Shilshole

Restaurants I don't like

• Piecora's Original New York Pizza
  I have never been treated so horribly by the staff at a restaurant.
• Coastal Kitchen
  Don't know why. Food served to others seems fine. Food served to me seems cold, mushy and/or undercooked.
• 14 Carrot Cafe
  I like corned beef hash. They make something else and call it corned beef hash.
  

Book reviews that sound better than the author may have intended

For Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire

"Save a place on the shelf between Alice and The Hobbit ..."

Yes. Because Alice in Wonderland was written by Lewis Carroll and The Hobbit was written by J.R. Tolkien. And Maguire starts with an 'M.' And you're the kind of person with an alphabetized bookshelf.

Childhood misunderstanding

Told as a child: Scientifically Produced Animal Matter

Actual answer: Spiced Ham

Children's stories that set unrealistic expectations

• Make Way for Ducklings: This is America, man. Nobody gets a free ride. Just because you're cute and looking for a place to swim doesn't mean we're going to shut down the whole city.
• The Giving Tree: Don't kid yourself, buddy. That tree could kill you and everyone you care about.
• Where the Wild Things Are: You're wearing a costume. Those are real monsters. Be careful, kiddo.
• Superfudge: That little boy has ADHD. It's not charming ... it's a disorder.
• Hop on Pop: Don't do it. Daddy has a heart murmor.

Funny things Mister Burns says

• "A shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya"
• "Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun"
• "Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me..."
• "Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And
  if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and
  hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if
  it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty
  of that"

When the derivative beats the original

The Firm: The book was fine, but the movie, suprisingly, was better. The book had a standard 'and then the witness protection program something something' ending while the movie had a clever twist.

The Lord of the Rings: The latest movies are better than the original books. The original books are better than the movies made in the seventies. Also, The Hobbit book is better than any of the Hobbit movies.

Minority Report: Like many Philip K. Dick novels, this was turned into a movie that was better than the original. Blade Runner was also better than "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" This is not a universal truth: Impostor was a fine story, the movie stunk. Paycheck, too, was a fine story, and the movie was nearly unwatchable. Did you know PKD died in Santa Ana?

The Grudge / Ju-Won: To my surprise, the American version was much scarier. I think Ju-Won was creepy, no doubt, (the woman crawling down the stairs gave me the heeby-jeebies) but there were so many culturally contextual clues that I totally missed (at one point seven years go by and I didn't figure that out for twenty minutes) and there was just a big "what the hell is happening" quotient. The American version put in enough exposition that it became creepier, mostly because I actually understood what the hell was happening.

Optional time wasters

Strong Bad: An amusing Mexican robot wrestler. Updated weekly. Japanese cartoons are awesome

The Onion: Gets less funny as I age, but still funny. The AV club is better.

Google Sets: computer science is cool. Check it out.

Selective quotes from recent articles about Mars

Cryptic statements:

• active underground biosphere
• looks in places as if it has a mosslike texture
• really powerful evidence for a habitable environment
• both poles of Mars are packed with water ice

Confusing jargon that adds to the mystery:

• attention will be paid on this effort toward examination of terrestrial specimens
• radial pattern may turn out to be similar to spherical dendritic iron oxides
  

Hard hitting questions:

• Are women up to the job of exploring Mars?
• Features were left behind by tools ... or were they?

Weather reports

"It burns!"
"Dude ... are those pancakes?"
"Look, I'm flying!"
"My eye!"
"I'm so drunk right now"
"What is that smell?"

Movies I haven't finished

Left theater:

• Color of Night Scott Bakula couldn't save me.
• In the Army Now An Andy Dick / Pauly Shore vehicle. I don't even like war movies.

Fell asleep on couch:

• The Godfather So slow. I can not finish. I did finish Godfather II, though.
• Wind Jennifer Grey. Matthew Modine. Something about sailing.
• Snow Falling on Cedars I thought this was going to be a karate movie.

Pressed 'pause' and never came back:

• Apocalypse Now I liked the book, but I tire quickly of war movies. Laurence Fishburne was so young!
• The Wizard of Oz Pretty cool if you do the SAP thing with Dark Side of the Moon but that only gets you through the first 45 minutes.
• I Spy Wow. Two of my favorite comics. No chemistry. Like Bowfinger which I did finish.

Sports I won't be playing

Takra:
An insane combination of volleyball and hackey-sack. Popular with folks who happen to be immune to gravity.
Buzkashi
The national sport of Afghanistan. Involves a headless goat carcass. Compare Buzkashi to the NFL.
Hurling
Gaelic field game played with a stick and ball. No goats.
Jai Alai
Sort of like racquetball for people with a death wish. Brought to you by the Basque.

Names we didn't give our dogs

Our dogs, Cinnamon and Nutmeg, are named after characters in a Haruki Murakami novel: The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.
Other names have been considered:
Jimjam and Jumbo
Astro and DeLuxe
Raposa and Macaco