Selected quotes from a recent "mainstream" article about evolution

Human evolution at the crossroads - - MSNBC.com

we are making ourselves virtually extinction-proof by bending Earth's flora and fauna to our will

• Really? Well that makes all this hubub about the protecting the environment seem pretty silly. We just need to make sure that cows are extinction proof too, so we don't get hungry.
  

Puget Sound is just a huge cesspool

• Hey! It's not like it's the Great Lakes or something.
  

humans may devolve into separate species of eyeless mole-men, neo-apes and elephant-people herded by their super-rodent masters

• If that's what being extinction proof is all about, you can count me out. Unless I get to become one of these elephant-people. I'd never forget where I left stuff.
  

How long before this new wave of evolution spawns a new kind of human? “Try 20 years...”

• Well, it sounds like we definitely need to get ahead of the super-rodents ASAP.
  

We’ve already seen the future of enhanced humans, and his name is Barry Bonds.

• You know, I'm not really into sports. Is he a neo-ape or an elephant-person? Doesn't seem likely that you'd want to have an eyeless mole-man on your baseball team.
  

“If you look at the superheroes of the ’30s and the ’40s, just about all of the technologies they had exist today,”

• What? Are you talking about green lanterns? Because it unless lasik surgery gives you heat vision, I'm not catching your drift.
  

Imagine improvements that could keep you in peak working condition past the age of 100.

• Yes! That would definitely ease my mind about the future of social security.
  

Instant superhumans — or monsters?

• Hmm. Are these monsters cute and cuddly like the ones in Monsters Inc? Cus I'd prefer them over Dr. Doom.
  

a truly intelligent robot may arise by the year 2030

• Will that mean it will go and waste $30,000 a year on some fancy liberal-arts college?
  

“I’ve got a couple of goldfish, and I don’t wake up in the morning and say, ‘I’m gonna kill these guys.’ … I just leave ’em alone,”

• Right. Whatever you say.